Blank Stares and My New Cult

Let's start with blank stares.

Ok, glad we got that out of the way.

So, it has recently come to my attention that I should start a cult. At first, I was only flattered, but now I am really seeing the upside of this.

According to wikipedia (which I admittedly used to troll before they blocked my I.P., bastards) a cult has to have ritualistic behavior. Ok. So, before I get to be a cult leader I have to make a ritual. Easy enough.

From now on, anyone in this cult must go door to door trying to get other people to leave their current religion to switch to ours. What did you say? Christianity already does that? Fuck

Ok... so everyone needs to...

shit.

We'll get back to that. What's next?

The temple for our cult is of course the internet. All the internet. Even when you're looking up disgusting porn... just remember that this internet is our temple, and I am always watching you. Always. For extra brownie points you can download a program where all the women's faces are replaced with mine. Wouldn't hurt you know.

Our shrine will of course be pictures of me. At every holiday, I'll send out a picture of me that you can photoshop your face into to send out to your family members. Of course, you'll need to keep one for yourself to put on your shrine. The shrine needs potatoes too. I fucking love potatoes. Like.. I will eat mashed potatoes with a side of french fries... or a baked potato.If there's gravy around that will be good, too. Maybe we can add some Tamarind soda?

I'll send everyone a lock of my hair to make your own Ivy dolls. If you want extra points in inflatable heaven you might want to make your Ivy idol out of a potato. Just a suggestion.

Then just throw up a couple of Yankee candles and we are set. Uh, I like the pumpkin/fall ones, but the scent can be your choice. If you really want to make it authentic, then you need to make it smell like Amber... I freaking love Amber. The smell, not the girl. i don't even know here. Are you crazy? I also wear these two perfumes: Chanel Chance, Burberry Brit and Quelquel Fleur.

So, basically you will all do as I say. That's totally a given though.

You can pretend the power comes from god if you want. Doesn't matter to me.

You will all be used as my sex army

...what else?

Oh!! Glitter!! Lots of glitter!!!

I don't really care too much about money... so as long as you guys pull enough out to pay my mortgage we should be good. Well, and the rest of my bills. You know I don't work.

So, in conclusion... potatoes. I really like em'.

WAIT!!!

Can I add that there should also be donations of cigarettes and coffee???!! I like those, too.

Just no Starbucks. Ick.

...and a fuckity fuck to you too

Blarg, it is then mate!!!

Fucking headaches are killing me. My insides are trying to become my outsides, and thats super fucking rude.

Pop culture.. whats going on there? Meh, who the fuck cares?? More about me, you say? Well, I shall be happy to oblige.

Best shows on tv right now are easily: Wilfred and Jon Benjamin has a Van. I get giddy excited in my little dark dungeon when i think of Thursday nights. I've finally taught the gimps how to use TiVo, so now I dont miss any of it.

Book I am reading: When Rabbit Howls. By Truddi Chase. This is the story of a woman with 92 personalities. Shes dead now... you know like all of the lucky people.

Best documentary Ive watched lately: Zizek! This is fucking brilliant. I freaking love Zizek. He is eccentric and brutally honest, and also one of the top 100 most brilliant people.

So, I smoke and drink coffee while watching documentaries and reading books... does that make me a douchebag? Meh. Yeah youre probably right.

What if I do all this while listening to The Stooges? I do you know. I love Iggy always and forever.

Hi ho.

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